Intimately Involved

I am able to look at my life now and track back to every past event, person, and/or decision in my life that has brought me to where I am today. And in all of those events, people, and decisions, I can see how God used them for His perfect plan for me. Whether it was a good decision, a mundane ritual, an influential person, or a bad choice, God easily found a way to link everything together to bring me here and now, and to bring honor and glory to Himself. Perhaps some day, I will share my full testimony with you all, but now is not the time.

I am sure most of you have heard that I recently got a job as an Equestrian Program Director. I am so very excited for it! But the way I got it reinforces the fact that God is intimately involved in my life.

In early January of this year, I was still looking for more ways to increase the income for my family. I was pretty much looking for anything and everything I could possibly do, because, Lord knows, we need the money. I found a private school in my town that also has, quite conveniently, a horse back riding camp that was looking for camp counselors for this summer. I also saw that they needed a new equestrian program director. Hopeful, I looked over the requirements for the position, some of which I did not possess. I figured that since I did not meet all of the requirements, it would have been a waste of time to apply (a mind-set I would not recommend to anyone). I had all and more of the knowledge and skill sets that the counselor position required, so I sent in my resume and hoped for the best.

Just last week, while mucking a horse's stall, I felt a dense wave of sadness and disappointment wash over me that whole morning. What was I doing with myself? I was not doing anything progressive, and certainly nothing to do with my schooling. My college education was a waste of time and money, and I should have realized that when I knew I was having way too much fun with my classes. Seriously, most all of my classes consisted of riding horses (one of my finals was a trail ride, for pete's sake!). But I digress. That morning, I felt, more or less, worthless. Not being able to help provide for my family and my student loans weighing down on us.

Later that same morning, Jeremiah (my new boss), called me and said, "I know you didn't apply for it, but would you be interested in interviewing for the equestrian program director position?" My reply: "Yes, YES I WOULD!"

This is just one example of how I see God working. I can visibly see it! I could not even try to give anyone or anything else credit for that happening. God is so intimately involved in my life that He might as well be leading me by my hand. My life is full of those examples, so I have never really had a problem trusting God, giving it all to Him, and letting Him fulfill His perfect will. Please take this as encouragement. Let God in and He will always take care of you. My philosophy that I have always stood by: God won't give you anything that He knows you won't be able to handle. I hope you are able to examine your life and be able to find examples of God working in your life, because I know there are lots of them.

Be strong. Keep hope. Trust God.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9


Way too much fun. :)

Birds are ridiculous.

Birds. Birds are what I have to talk about. 

This is an American Woodcock.
When I learned about this bird in class,
I was reduced to tears from hysterical laughter.
No one else laughed. It was awkward.

Firstly, let’s get something straight. I’ve never really liked birds all that much. I like watching people who are excited about birds, though…it’s amusing. They make “psh”-ing sounds and use words like “Lifer”. But now I’m taking an Ornithology class…that is “the study of birds”. Why? Because my advising committee said that I needed more “-ologies”…Yep. Now I’m in a class ALL about BIRDS....Feathered annoying devils.

When I first started at Emporia, I was offered an assistantship (I attempt to teach, they pay my tuition...good deal). That first semester I taught night classes, with the majors-biology lab section ending at 9:00PM. On the second week of teaching, I had a student stay after class; he had missed the first lab of the semester, so he was staying after to make it up (yes…at 9:00pm…good times).

I babbled about what we had done the previous week when he interrupted with “you’re religious?” I was semi-taken aback and floundered and stammered out something like “erm…I guess? I like Jesus?”…He then asked, “How does that work? Like, aren't sciences and religions supposed to not work together?”

“Uh...for me they work together fine.” He shrugged and we finished the lab in good time.

For a while I wondered why he asked. It’s not like I exude religionousness when crashing through the Scientific Method…And what an odd thing to say in general...no one since has asked me that. This student never returned to lab after that night (he tragically died the next semester--and with that comes a bunch of weird feelings like “maybe I should have emailed him more often to see why he wasn't coming to class?”)

Anyways, I’ve thought about that experience a lot – how I answered, how I was caught entirely off-guard, why he would ask that in the first place…Turns out, I was probably wearing my Dad’s St. Francis necklace. It has Francis with a deer and a tree and a bird. See how this connects to the opening paragraph? Bird.

I really love the world and I love learning about it. For me, science and faith aren't exactly opposites. They’re like…friends. I very much see God in what I am learning. Like I said: “For me they work together fine.” And I think it’s sad that people just think of the two things as polar opposites. You can either love Jesus or love Science – pick your side and defend it by shouting loudly on the internets!

The sciences ask questions about the natural world. Biology studies the living world. God made the natural world and God breathed life into the living world. For me, there is no separation between “science” and “faith”. I see God in every crazy thing I’m learning and it’s SO COOL!

Ruddy Duck

So, birds. That’s the main focus of my semester. Birds are crazy. Like, so….so…CRAZY. Like, mind-blowing ridiculously crazy! They are SO COOL…I just need to take a deep breath and count to ten.
1………2…………3…………4…5..6…..---SO AWESOME! BIRDS! Who would've thought?! (In the words of Lane: OH MY WORD!)

Bufflehead

 That’s where God is this semester. He’s covered in arsenic dust, sitting there inside the stuffed Bufflehead specimen. I just can’t look at these creatures and not be overjoyed with how amazing the world is. I’m like “seriously, God…a Ruddy Duck? How is that even a thing? That tail-bill combo is fantastic”.

American Bittern.
They have to hold there heads like this to
 see what's in front of them.
Ridiculous.

So, if I could go back in time…I wish I could have answered that student with; “have you ever SEEN a bird? They’re so BA. And so ridiculous. Go youtube the American Woodcock. As a scientist, I am excited to learn about these beasts; how they fly, how they eat, which species is which. And as a person of faith, I am blessed to be able to see these beasts as an intricate part of a bajillion-year old creation. They were envisioned by a Creator…He laid out this amazing world for us to study by using the sciences."

....let's just get a close-up of that face...
yep....still ridiculous. 

Now, for your enjoyment…here are some bird facts for you because birds be crazy, yo.

•  Birds often fly.
• Turkey gizzards can pulverize English walnuts, steel needles, and surgical lancets.
• Birds can navigate using magnetic fields, the stars and maybe even polarized light.
•  Birds have color vision…and they can see into part of the UV range…so, their plumages look waaay different to them, than how we see them.
• Many people think birds are the descendants of Theropods-- a group of dinosaurs that includes things like velociraptor and t-rex.
•   A lot of water birds have dark feathers because melanin is all like “yo, bacteria…just try to eat me! Just. Try.”
•   There are six known species of poisonous birds.
• Peregrine falcons dive out of the air – at 96-264mph. This fact comes with a quote: “arguably, the most direct measurements are those by a free-falling parachutist who accompanied his train falcons in dives from 12,000ft”. (Who does that?!)
• They have crazy bone-fusions and extra knobs and processes that make it so they don’t simply crumble when they exert all that flapping-force.
•   Look up how birds breathe. Craaaziness.
•   A resting hummingbird breathes 143 times a second.
•    American Goldfinches can maintain their body temperature at -70*C.
•   Some birds have languages. Some use tools. Some have cultures.
•  The light coming from a florescent light bulb and the pictures on a TV appear as constant streams of light to humans because we can’t see things that are faster than 60 hertz (cycles per second). Birds can see things at 100hertz, so our lights and TVs are seen by birds as a series of flashes.
•    Owl faces are asymmetrical. This, along with the dish-shaped face,  helps them hear mega-well.
•  Birds dream. Zebra finches practice new songs in their sleep.
•  Birds are way-cool.

(All these facts come from my textbook "Ornithology" by Gill)

Death and Resurrection

Have you ever heard a pastor or a speaker get up to talk and start out by saying something like, "I had this whole big speech planned out perfectly, and I'd written all my notes and talking points, and about two minutes ago God told me to throw all of that away and he'd tell me what to say right now."  That's kind of what happened to me with this blog post.

I had this whole thing planned out about how Jesus was homeless and I'm a bridge person and I don't fit in one camp or the other, and God said, "Well, that's nice, and probably a little self-aggrandizing, but why don't you just talk about this thing over here that you never ever like to talk to anyone about.  That's what I want you to talk about."

So, here it goes.  This past week I went to the Community Counseling Center and made an appointment to see a counselor this week.

Wellness has always been a struggle for me.  It's a generational struggle.  My grandmother was an alcoholic while my mom was growing up.  My mom went in and out of depression and on and off medication while I was growing up.  And now I switch between hope and despair, between laughing and sobbing, between being a better me and being everything I never wanted to be.

I don't like to talk about this.  I don't like to be vulnerable and weak.  My childhood was unstable.  I didn't have a real sense of security, so I learned not to trust anyone.  But that was fine, because I could be strong.  I could do everything.  I can do everything.  I can pay my bills, work hard, volunteer all my time, take care of everyone else, also be there for my friends, listen to everyone else's problems, and never ever say that I'm weak and I need help.  I have to be enough, because I can't trust anyone else.  If I'm not enough, than everything falls apart.  There's no back-up plan.  It's just me.

This is incredibly prideful and stupid.  It's also hypocritical.  Part of what pushed me to seek counseling is that I spend a lot of my time working with women who have been trafficked, exploited, and abused.  One of the women I work with, a long-time survivor, kept talking about how children aren't resilient.  When a child is hurt, they stay hurt.  The person can grow up and look like an adult, but if that pain is never dealt with it just lingers.  That's where I am.  I look like an adult.  I speak intelligently, I know my stuff, I pay my rent, I run church programs, I go on missions trips, but inside I'm sad and scared and lonely and mad.  And I'm not ever going to be any real good to anyone if I don't deal with that.

So, I surrendered, and I went to the counseling center, and tried to figure out how to do it discreetly, and I thought that was enough.  But apparently God wasn't done with me.  Have you ever been at an event and it felt like God was talking directly through the speaker straight at you?  My church went to this Casting Crowns concert last night, and that's what happened.  God made it incredibly apparent that he doesn't just want me to go to counseling and secretly deal with my problems.  He wants me to stop being perfect and to start being real and honest, with everyone.

So, here I go.  Now you know.  I'm putting to death the perfect Jenny.  The one who has it all together.  The one who's such an awesome Christian and does so much outreach.  The one who has everything under control and never needs anyone.  The one who everyone can depend on.  I pray that I am resurrected humble and honest and dependent on my Savior, because even Jesus said, "No one is good except God alone." (Luke 18:19b)