9 Insane Reasons Why the Internet is Too Stressful to Handle (Number 6 will blow your mind!)

I've been into making lists recently and it seems to be the internet's favorite format so I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing. What is necessarily a bad thing is just how stressed out I have been lately and just how much the presence of the internet in my life has contributed to that stress. So in order to express that I've made a list on the internet. Feel free to comment on that.

1. It's always there.

I have a smartphone. It's not a very good one but it manages to give me the two basic functions I need: GPS and Facebook. As much as it is useful to constantly know where I'm going and who liked whose status it can also be incredibly tiring. I'm constantly getting tweets and messages or notifications and it's not so much any one of those things so much as that there always is one more thing to look at that tires me out. Even without my phone the internet is a constant presence. I go to work and there's a computer in my office. I come home and I have my computer. No matter what I do the internet is always there with one more thing for me to think about.

2. Everything wants you.

Whether it's friends inviting you to like their page (how many amateur photographers can I actually like?) or Facebook suggesting that you add this friend, join that group, or go to that event there is always something that wants you and your click. In the war for my time and attention I just feel torn between things that I really, really don't care about. This feeling of all these little things tearing at me is extremely stressful to me and has me avoiding reading Facebook messages or notifications just in case it's one more thing trying to pull my attention it's way.

Check these CWR guys out.

3. Constant controversy.

Like it or not I'm a Christian. And I mean whether I like it or not, not you. Sometimes I really, really don't like being a Christian and this is a large part of why. I think a large part of it is just the friends I have (socially conscious revolutionaries and such), but I am constantly bombarded by information about some big church embarrassment (see right) or some big argument. When I see these things it is impossible for me to avoid a blood pressure raising gut reaction, whether anger or sadness or disappointment it always happens. I'll go from happily clicking through pictures of cats in boxes to stuttering in rage over the shameful behavior of the world. It really just stresses me out.

4. If I'm online I can't be "off the clock."

This particular point is more applicable to me personally than your average internet junkie. I'm a youth pastor and I'm Facebook friends with many of the youth I work with as well as most of my adult coworkers. I spend all day trying to plan good programs for them and worrying about the well-being of these people and when I get home I just want to shut off and not think about those things for a little bit. But with Facebook that's impossible. I see their updates, and even when I'm not in the office, I still end up being "at work." I don't really think there's any way around this, but at the end of the day it's just exhausting.

5. The badness of the world is overwhelming.

A little while back Facebook added a "trending" section showing the most posted new stories and topics. It's a pretty good idea, and if I'm honest it's where I get a lot of my news, or at least find out what people are talking about. But what I hate about it is just how upsetting a lot of the topics can be just because the world is such a bad place. On the left is a screenshot of  the trending things at the time of writing. Apparently there was a possible suicide at a Navy hospital. Now I'm sad and stressed about something I can do nothing about. Some days almost every single trending item is depressing, scary, or upsetting. I just get so overwhelmed. Again, this is only made worse by the friends I have. My wife's passions include fighting human trafficking and sexism, both of which are extremely daunting opponents. Almost every day I hear some new thing about trafficking or gendercide or how women are oppressed and it just reaches a point where I don't feel like I can take anymore.

6. Click bait.

As you've probably noticed I am intentionally mimicking the style of those many"click bait" articles that overwhelm Facebook newsfeeds. "Oh, if only I knew what number 6 was. I mean, they said it's mind blowing..." No. It never is. This coincides a little bit with feeling grabbed at by all those pages wanting my clicks. I just feel so manipulated by these articles that exist solely to get clicks. The internet was full of fluff articles before, but now people have made an industry out of it. Not only do I get tired of this stuff filling my news feed but I also get tired of this terrible cycle I get stuck in when I do give in and click:
1. Okay, just this once I'll click.
2. You moron, what a waste of time. Why did you click that?
3. Okay, I'll never do that again.
4. "12 pictures of children in war torn villages. NUMBER 4 MADE ME CRY" What, number 4 made that person cry? Well, I guess I can click just this once...
I. Hate. Click bait.   

7. I constantly feel the need to impress people.

The problem with social media is that other people exist there, and they can interact with what you post. Maybe it's just a personal flaw of mine but I constantly find myself trying to figure out how I can get the most likes. Not only that, but if I post a status that I think is really good and it doesn't get many likes I get upset about it. Again, this might just be a major flaw of mine that no one else shares but it's actually something really stressful for me. Facebook and Twitter give me performance anxiety. I'm like, "Look, I'm funny! I'm smart! I'm a good person!" and if no one affirms that I just get bummed out.

8. It reminds me how lonely I am.

This is a big one for me because, well, I have no friends. Really. I have people who I am friendly with and I have friends who are far away (when I say friends I mean the other authors of this blog and that's almost everyone), but in my area I have almost no one. What the internet does that makes that worse is remind me that not everybody else is spending as much time on the internet as me. Other people post pictures of themselves with their friends, or share things on each other’s walls, or invite each other to things. People update their status about going out and doing whatever. It just reminds me that I go to work and I come home and I do very little beside that. Now, that just may sound whiny so here’s something a little more specific. What really gets to me is when I see interactions that I could be a part of that I'm not. I see events I could have been invited to. The internet reminds me that the burden of making friends rests on me and me alone. Nobody will reach out to me and even when I reach out to them it's not guaranteed to pay off. It's okay for me to be lonely and it's okay for me to not have tons of friends or be invited to everything (or anything) but what really gets me down is that it's rubbed in my face. Thanks internet.

Replace "Research Paper" with "Literally Anything" and it still works.

9. It's distracting.

I saved this point for last because—Excuse me, this Buzzfeed article requires my attention.

As I was saying, I think this is the big—Sorry, did you see this video? I have got to share this.

Okay, seriously, I’ll stop now despite the fact that Facebook just pinged and this point would look better with some kind of an image and—I’ll be right back.

There, see that comic? The internet provides for my every image need. I think that this point is probably the most universal of any that I've listed. This is just the nature of that kind of work and work environments the world has now. The internet is an ever-present, ever compelling force. That distraction is to me the biggest stressor of all. Why did I run short on time? I got distracted. Why can't I focus? I'm distracted. Why am I so stressed? I'm distracted by all the stressful things in the world.

The Story of Chaddams

            Greetings, fellow citizen. My name is Chad, and today I shall tell you the story of the founding of our great nation. There were two initial founders, Chris and myself, that decided to establish a city that would last for generations. We had been raised in the forest by a she-squirrel from the time we were young, and upon the arrival of the year of our Lord 2008, we decided it was time to set out for conquest.

            I remember the beginning like it was yesterday. It was a cold night in the fall of 2008 as Chris and I set out for the Campus Center. It was there that he introduced me to his friends from Lambien Hall (the one we were supposed to get dates from because we lived in Rothenbuhler), and they were sitting at a high table. Although I initially took offense to seeing the bottoms of Maya's boots, I knew that the four of us, Jackie, Maya, Chris, and I, would be good friends. Within a few weeks we had doubled in size with the addition of Anya and her roommate Jenny, my roommate Gordon, Natalie, Katie, and sometimes Lane. Thus, the City of Tribe with its founders had been formed.

            Did I just rip off the story of the founding of Rome? Yes, yes I did. I wasn't really raised by a wild animal with Chris just as Romulus and Remus were raised by a she-wolf, but the rest of the story is true. From what I remember, the tribe sort of...happened. Our core members formed together at mealtimes and decided that we would make a set of rules upon which to found our great republic. For one, any new member had to be subjected to an entrance exam, upon which, if they passed, they would be granted citizenship. Each person had a specific role. I was the tribal engineer, Gordon was the storyteller, Chris was the hunter, Jackie was the bait, and Anya was our tribal mother who frequently told us, "No!" Over four years our tribe was the spectacle of the lunchroom--a shining example to the rest of the tables that were there.

            It was the tribe that caused chaos and brought order. We initiated the first "Red Night" by marching on the quad to protest the ban of marching on the quad. We watched movies together, went on adventures to the Genesee River, and participated in all sorts of mischief and fun. I believe that we had more fun than any Greek club ever could. It was also during that time that the Great Prophet, Joseph Chinn, Peace Be Upon Him, descended into our realm to deliver us the Silver Scrolls.

            Peace be upon the Prophet who brought us the secret knowledge! Blessed be the one who wrote the Book of Face and allowed us to communicate more efficiently via the internet! All must join the Chinnists and seek the approval of our Prophet, Joseph Chinn, Peace Be Upon Him. At the end of times, we shall ascend into heaven on his spaceship and avoid the world's destruction for a small contribution of $12. Please send the payment via check or money order as we do not accept credit. All checked baggage will be charged $25 per bag under 50 pounds. Thank you for your cooperation, and we will see you on the flight.

            The Joseph Chinn religion that Chris, Gordon, and I participated in was one of my favorite memories from Houghton. I tried to gain a few converts at work, but I only succeeded in becoming a persecuted religious minority. Actually, I wasn't persecuted, but no one wanted to join my religion. My only regret was that I couldn't stay in Houghton to see the last two years. Instead, I departed for the Land of Enchantment.

            My experiences in the Land of Enchantment as a citizen and founder of the City of Tribe were eye opening. I grew up a lot. While in Houghton I could still be juvenile, do my homework, go to classes, and have fun with my friends. All of that stopped when I moved here. With the absence of all the grants that I had been getting to fund college, and not qualifying for work study, I had to take a job off-campus at 25 hours a week. I wound up working in a call center, and for the first time in my life, I had trouble finding time to do my homework. I had switched from Physics to Math to Computer Science, and programming was a real bitch. I didn't have any friends because I had left all of them in Houghton, and I never really formed friendships with the people my age in my church. The tribe acknowledged all third culture kids, and it was helpful to be around people who had the same experience. No one here had that. So, I had no friends who shared my beliefs, and I had to look for them outside of the church bubble that I had once been in. For the first time, I had stepped out of my comfort zone where I was surrounded by Christians, and I started making friends at work.

            I got to meet a lot of people who did things that I had been told to stay far away from. Some of my friends were stoners or drunks. I had found a new group of friends that weren't as good as the old ones, but I guess they would have to suffice. After a few months, I managed to put money together for a visit for the Tribe's graduation. It was fun seeing everyone again, but I was sad that I had missed so much. I wished that I had stayed. After I returned to the Land of Enchantment I joined the party scene and started drinking at clubs. I realized that getting drunk was fun for a few hours, but it really sucked the next day. I made lots of friends in that time that I partied with, and I met all sorts of people. I cut off my trademark long, curly hair so I would fit in, and it worked because all the girls started hitting on me. I had new friends that I got to have fun with. However, I started drifting away from school and focusing more on my job because I needed the money, and I didn't see myself finishing college. I failed two of my business classes, and I dropped out the next semester to work full time.

            It was during that low in my life that I had given up on everything. I figured that I had no hope of getting out of that job, and that I would always be working in a call center. I got promoted to one of the trainers, and I figured I would just teach people my specialty. It was then that I met my future girlfriend, Victoria, who was one of my students. I liked her from the first day we met, but I didn't think she would like me back. One of her friends took the role of "matchmaker," and she approached me and asked if I had a girlfriend. After telling her that I did not, she mentioned that someone from the training class liked me. I got one of my friends to get her to talk to him, and he told me that it was Victoria that had put her up to the task. With my secret knowledge, I proceeded to show off my skills at call center work. I put on a show to impress, and once she finished training, I asked her out, and the rest is history.

            It's been a year since then, and now I'm at the highest point in my life. Victoria got me to see that I wasn't destined to work in a call center forever. She got me to see that it was just some job, and that I had lost my focus. I had made the job a priority rather than my education, which I had abandoned. I realized that I could finish college if I put my mind to it and if I let go of the temporary. So, I left my job at the call center, and I went back to school. Now, I'm a History major, and for the first time in my life, I'm learning stuff that sticks. I might use what I learned about teaching others from the call center in a future career teaching History at a university. The sad thing is that I haven't heard or talked to any of the friends I used to party with, and I doubt they even miss me because I'm not into that anymore. Perhaps they weren't my real friends. It made me realize that my true friends were the ones who I don't have to drink with to have fun.

            Nevertheless, although I don't know where the future will take me, I will always look fondly upon my memories with the tribe. It was a pleasure knowing all of them, and I know that we will still be connected despite living in the diaspora for years to come.

....It's the last semestser.

Sometimes, there are just too many thoughts to compile together to make into a decent blog post with one subject. So, here’s a list of things that have been on my mind. It won’t be anything deep or anything like that. They’re just thoughts. So, sit back and enjoy the ride that is Katie’s mind. (God bless you if you continue reading).

• I ate bacon cheese fries at 11 last night. It was delicious, yet so so bad for me. But I don’t regret one single moment.
•  I’m currently in the middle of writing a sermon that I have to preach on April 16^th. It’s due tomorrow – at the latest. I only have 2 points written. I’ve had such a struggle writing this and I’m getting frustrated that it’s taking me so long and worried that I won’t get it done in time. Plus, it’s the only Holy Week chapel, so there’s that added pressure because I was chosen for it. I just hope the Lord is glorified through the process of writing and preaching it.
• In my class, we’re learning about church fraud, and a mug shot showed up of an old lady who embezzled over 90 thousand dollars from her church. Is it bad that I laughed when I saw her picture?
• Last week, I decided that within this last semester I have at school – just 9 more weeks, praise the Lord – I’m going to keep to myself. I hate knowing everything about everyone’s lives. I want people to have their privacy. Just because I’m in close community doesn’t mean I need to know. And so far – I’ve found that I have a lot more joy. I’m happier, day by day.
• The Palisades Mall took out my favorite FroYo place. They betrayed me. The Palisades Mall is now the Benedict Arnold Mall. It’s dead to me. (Kind of. I gotta eat sometimes).
• I’ve stopped wearing eyeliner on my bottom eyelid. It’s incredibly freeing. I actually look my age with just light, natural eye shadow and mascara. It’s crazy how that one little decision had opened my eyes to see how beautiful I truly am without heavy makeup… and how much happier my bank account is going to be.
• This weekend, I get to go to Hershey for a mandatory single’s retreat. Thaaaaaaaaaat’s right. Single’s retreat. Whatevs. I get to experience a weekend away from school, in a nice hotel right down the road from Chocolate World (HOLLER) and Organic Chai Chocolate bars. 
  
• Can I be married now?
• My brother-in-law is really cool. I finally get the brother I always wanted. He doesn’t hold anything back; always saying whatever comes into his mind. I love it.
• My dad’s teaching an Ethics Class at the school. I’m not allowed to be in his class, though. But like, doesn’t the school know that he was my basketball coach once and he was harder on me than anyone else on the team?
• I really just need some coffee.

So, that’s my life right now. Seriously, though, God bless you for reading. Go buy yourself some ice cream. You deserve it.

Tuesday April 1st, 2014. Sad News Today.

It is with great lament that we announce the death of the entire tribe. Unfortunately, everyone is dead, including the core founding members. Due to some horrible coincidence of nature, every single tribe member died today from a wide array of causes. The death certificates of each tribal member will be posted as they become available. Without further ado, here is the first one for Chad Adams.

     Next is Chris Clark:

Update @ 1:15PM MST:

We have received several more death certificates. Oh the humanity!

Intimately Involved

I am able to look at my life now and track back to every past event, person, and/or decision in my life that has brought me to where I am today. And in all of those events, people, and decisions, I can see how God used them for His perfect plan for me. Whether it was a good decision, a mundane ritual, an influential person, or a bad choice, God easily found a way to link everything together to bring me here and now, and to bring honor and glory to Himself. Perhaps some day, I will share my full testimony with you all, but now is not the time.

I am sure most of you have heard that I recently got a job as an Equestrian Program Director. I am so very excited for it! But the way I got it reinforces the fact that God is intimately involved in my life.

In early January of this year, I was still looking for more ways to increase the income for my family. I was pretty much looking for anything and everything I could possibly do, because, Lord knows, we need the money. I found a private school in my town that also has, quite conveniently, a horse back riding camp that was looking for camp counselors for this summer. I also saw that they needed a new equestrian program director. Hopeful, I looked over the requirements for the position, some of which I did not possess. I figured that since I did not meet all of the requirements, it would have been a waste of time to apply (a mind-set I would not recommend to anyone). I had all and more of the knowledge and skill sets that the counselor position required, so I sent in my resume and hoped for the best.

Just last week, while mucking a horse's stall, I felt a dense wave of sadness and disappointment wash over me that whole morning. What was I doing with myself? I was not doing anything progressive, and certainly nothing to do with my schooling. My college education was a waste of time and money, and I should have realized that when I knew I was having way too much fun with my classes. Seriously, most all of my classes consisted of riding horses (one of my finals was a trail ride, for pete's sake!). But I digress. That morning, I felt, more or less, worthless. Not being able to help provide for my family and my student loans weighing down on us.

Later that same morning, Jeremiah (my new boss), called me and said, "I know you didn't apply for it, but would you be interested in interviewing for the equestrian program director position?" My reply: "Yes, YES I WOULD!"

This is just one example of how I see God working. I can visibly see it! I could not even try to give anyone or anything else credit for that happening. God is so intimately involved in my life that He might as well be leading me by my hand. My life is full of those examples, so I have never really had a problem trusting God, giving it all to Him, and letting Him fulfill His perfect will. Please take this as encouragement. Let God in and He will always take care of you. My philosophy that I have always stood by: God won't give you anything that He knows you won't be able to handle. I hope you are able to examine your life and be able to find examples of God working in your life, because I know there are lots of them.

Be strong. Keep hope. Trust God.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9


Way too much fun. :)

Birds are ridiculous.

Birds. Birds are what I have to talk about. 

This is an American Woodcock.
When I learned about this bird in class,
I was reduced to tears from hysterical laughter.
No one else laughed. It was awkward.

Firstly, let’s get something straight. I’ve never really liked birds all that much. I like watching people who are excited about birds, though…it’s amusing. They make “psh”-ing sounds and use words like “Lifer”. But now I’m taking an Ornithology class…that is “the study of birds”. Why? Because my advising committee said that I needed more “-ologies”…Yep. Now I’m in a class ALL about BIRDS....Feathered annoying devils.

When I first started at Emporia, I was offered an assistantship (I attempt to teach, they pay my tuition...good deal). That first semester I taught night classes, with the majors-biology lab section ending at 9:00PM. On the second week of teaching, I had a student stay after class; he had missed the first lab of the semester, so he was staying after to make it up (yes…at 9:00pm…good times).

I babbled about what we had done the previous week when he interrupted with “you’re religious?” I was semi-taken aback and floundered and stammered out something like “erm…I guess? I like Jesus?”…He then asked, “How does that work? Like, aren't sciences and religions supposed to not work together?”

“Uh...for me they work together fine.” He shrugged and we finished the lab in good time.

For a while I wondered why he asked. It’s not like I exude religionousness when crashing through the Scientific Method…And what an odd thing to say in general...no one since has asked me that. This student never returned to lab after that night (he tragically died the next semester--and with that comes a bunch of weird feelings like “maybe I should have emailed him more often to see why he wasn't coming to class?”)

Anyways, I’ve thought about that experience a lot – how I answered, how I was caught entirely off-guard, why he would ask that in the first place…Turns out, I was probably wearing my Dad’s St. Francis necklace. It has Francis with a deer and a tree and a bird. See how this connects to the opening paragraph? Bird.

I really love the world and I love learning about it. For me, science and faith aren't exactly opposites. They’re like…friends. I very much see God in what I am learning. Like I said: “For me they work together fine.” And I think it’s sad that people just think of the two things as polar opposites. You can either love Jesus or love Science – pick your side and defend it by shouting loudly on the internets!

The sciences ask questions about the natural world. Biology studies the living world. God made the natural world and God breathed life into the living world. For me, there is no separation between “science” and “faith”. I see God in every crazy thing I’m learning and it’s SO COOL!

Ruddy Duck

So, birds. That’s the main focus of my semester. Birds are crazy. Like, so….so…CRAZY. Like, mind-blowing ridiculously crazy! They are SO COOL…I just need to take a deep breath and count to ten.
1………2…………3…………4…5..6…..---SO AWESOME! BIRDS! Who would've thought?! (In the words of Lane: OH MY WORD!)

Bufflehead

 That’s where God is this semester. He’s covered in arsenic dust, sitting there inside the stuffed Bufflehead specimen. I just can’t look at these creatures and not be overjoyed with how amazing the world is. I’m like “seriously, God…a Ruddy Duck? How is that even a thing? That tail-bill combo is fantastic”.

American Bittern.
They have to hold there heads like this to
 see what's in front of them.
Ridiculous.

So, if I could go back in time…I wish I could have answered that student with; “have you ever SEEN a bird? They’re so BA. And so ridiculous. Go youtube the American Woodcock. As a scientist, I am excited to learn about these beasts; how they fly, how they eat, which species is which. And as a person of faith, I am blessed to be able to see these beasts as an intricate part of a bajillion-year old creation. They were envisioned by a Creator…He laid out this amazing world for us to study by using the sciences."

....let's just get a close-up of that face...
yep....still ridiculous. 

Now, for your enjoyment…here are some bird facts for you because birds be crazy, yo.

•  Birds often fly.
• Turkey gizzards can pulverize English walnuts, steel needles, and surgical lancets.
• Birds can navigate using magnetic fields, the stars and maybe even polarized light.
•  Birds have color vision…and they can see into part of the UV range…so, their plumages look waaay different to them, than how we see them.
• Many people think birds are the descendants of Theropods-- a group of dinosaurs that includes things like velociraptor and t-rex.
•   A lot of water birds have dark feathers because melanin is all like “yo, bacteria…just try to eat me! Just. Try.”
•   There are six known species of poisonous birds.
• Peregrine falcons dive out of the air – at 96-264mph. This fact comes with a quote: “arguably, the most direct measurements are those by a free-falling parachutist who accompanied his train falcons in dives from 12,000ft”. (Who does that?!)
• They have crazy bone-fusions and extra knobs and processes that make it so they don’t simply crumble when they exert all that flapping-force.
•   Look up how birds breathe. Craaaziness.
•   A resting hummingbird breathes 143 times a second.
•    American Goldfinches can maintain their body temperature at -70*C.
•   Some birds have languages. Some use tools. Some have cultures.
•  The light coming from a florescent light bulb and the pictures on a TV appear as constant streams of light to humans because we can’t see things that are faster than 60 hertz (cycles per second). Birds can see things at 100hertz, so our lights and TVs are seen by birds as a series of flashes.
•    Owl faces are asymmetrical. This, along with the dish-shaped face,  helps them hear mega-well.
•  Birds dream. Zebra finches practice new songs in their sleep.
•  Birds are way-cool.

(All these facts come from my textbook "Ornithology" by Gill)

Death and Resurrection

Have you ever heard a pastor or a speaker get up to talk and start out by saying something like, "I had this whole big speech planned out perfectly, and I'd written all my notes and talking points, and about two minutes ago God told me to throw all of that away and he'd tell me what to say right now."  That's kind of what happened to me with this blog post.

I had this whole thing planned out about how Jesus was homeless and I'm a bridge person and I don't fit in one camp or the other, and God said, "Well, that's nice, and probably a little self-aggrandizing, but why don't you just talk about this thing over here that you never ever like to talk to anyone about.  That's what I want you to talk about."

So, here it goes.  This past week I went to the Community Counseling Center and made an appointment to see a counselor this week.

Wellness has always been a struggle for me.  It's a generational struggle.  My grandmother was an alcoholic while my mom was growing up.  My mom went in and out of depression and on and off medication while I was growing up.  And now I switch between hope and despair, between laughing and sobbing, between being a better me and being everything I never wanted to be.

I don't like to talk about this.  I don't like to be vulnerable and weak.  My childhood was unstable.  I didn't have a real sense of security, so I learned not to trust anyone.  But that was fine, because I could be strong.  I could do everything.  I can do everything.  I can pay my bills, work hard, volunteer all my time, take care of everyone else, also be there for my friends, listen to everyone else's problems, and never ever say that I'm weak and I need help.  I have to be enough, because I can't trust anyone else.  If I'm not enough, than everything falls apart.  There's no back-up plan.  It's just me.

This is incredibly prideful and stupid.  It's also hypocritical.  Part of what pushed me to seek counseling is that I spend a lot of my time working with women who have been trafficked, exploited, and abused.  One of the women I work with, a long-time survivor, kept talking about how children aren't resilient.  When a child is hurt, they stay hurt.  The person can grow up and look like an adult, but if that pain is never dealt with it just lingers.  That's where I am.  I look like an adult.  I speak intelligently, I know my stuff, I pay my rent, I run church programs, I go on missions trips, but inside I'm sad and scared and lonely and mad.  And I'm not ever going to be any real good to anyone if I don't deal with that.

So, I surrendered, and I went to the counseling center, and tried to figure out how to do it discreetly, and I thought that was enough.  But apparently God wasn't done with me.  Have you ever been at an event and it felt like God was talking directly through the speaker straight at you?  My church went to this Casting Crowns concert last night, and that's what happened.  God made it incredibly apparent that he doesn't just want me to go to counseling and secretly deal with my problems.  He wants me to stop being perfect and to start being real and honest, with everyone.

So, here I go.  Now you know.  I'm putting to death the perfect Jenny.  The one who has it all together.  The one who's such an awesome Christian and does so much outreach.  The one who has everything under control and never needs anyone.  The one who everyone can depend on.  I pray that I am resurrected humble and honest and dependent on my Savior, because even Jesus said, "No one is good except God alone." (Luke 18:19b)