Assorted Gripes, Whines and Complaints.

The theme Jenny gave us is “transitions”. I asked Office Mate Andrew W. Coleman what I should write about and he suggested that I write about how I’ve changed since coming to Emporia. Pretty much he told me to write about how I’ve become a terrible-er person* over the past year and a half. I said that that was a depressing topic, but…because I'm low on other ideas, I decided to make a confession about how I am grumpy and jaded.

*For the record, Andrew didn't actually call me terrible.

So, I started my adventure in Emporia as a very happy person and was enthusiastic about the prospect of more school. Rewind, though. Since Houghton, there have been a lot of transitions.

Au Sable in the Fall.
So. Much. Gorgeous.

Transition 1: Post-Houghton Graduation.  I had a very, very, very bad summer at the camp I worked at. Won’t go into details here (I had a long paragraph explaining it…but…the summer ended with me being sad and very ill).

Transition 2:  Interning at Au sable. I got to teach little kids about cool stuff. It was a good breath-catching time for much-needed healing. Oh, the joys of nature. I left fully recovered from my summer and ready for the world. I could even start a fire with sticks! This was a big high point transition and it ultimately gave me the courage and energy to apply and go to grad school.

Transition 3: Emporia. Firstly, there was my solo-moving experience halfway across the country (let me tell you, it’s really scary to move into an apartment that you’ve never seen, to a school you’ve never visited and to a state that was only familiar from the Wizard of Oz). This was scary, but also another high point – the adventure was pretty cool, actually. I like school in general and I bounced into my first semester with a lot of pep and enthusiasm for science.

However, since then, my enthusiasm is at an all-time low and a big part of me really hates “science” now. I’ve changed a lot since my first semester and I feel like a big part of this comes from my classes and the people I interact with. Houghton’s cheesy slogans of “servant-scholar” and “a higher purpose in mind” are reeeally lame, but oddly they capture something that’s missing . It’s really frustrating being in classes that never mention a bigger picture or the idea of stewardship…I thought caring about our planet and our impact in the world kind of went hand-in-hand with biology. “Stewardship”…shouldn’t be just another lame Christian college catchphrase…it should be in all classrooms. Buuut, it’s just not here. I feel that there is a lack of respect for the organisms that we work with and no effort to apply class material to any sort of “big picture”. Don’t get me wrong – I have learned a literal crap-ton of stuff and that is amazing! Like, seriously. So much learning. Every day my brain gets exploded with so much awesome information. But you can learn cool things, and still have it be hollow and without meaning, you know?

Jar of Death

Additionally, another big bummer is that when I came here, I was super pumped to live in a place with abundant reptiles. Currently, I’m actively avoiding an excursion to Oklahoma because I know so many critters will end up dead. Finding fun stuff simply isn’t fun anymore. I initially wrote a whole blog post about this, but decided it was too whiney to post. The attitude towards collecting for class (fish, herps, insects – all dead because of me!) or for fun (we need to bring back this [insert organism here] for photographs…to prank so-and-so…because we can…etc.) makes me really sad. Biology is special because it is the science of living things. How cool is that? I feel that, as biologists, we should be the ones that have the most respect for this life…and that our professors should be the leaders demonstrating this (and that graduate students should be striving to become leaders in a similar fashion).

I'm a pretty-pretty Mudsnake. I was taken from
the wild and if I stop eating, I will be put into a jar too.

I'm a Crayfish Snake. Now I'm dead and in a jar.
For no actual reason.

I’ve also decreased in enthusiasm because I feel like I’m doing really badly at this whole grad school thing in general.

•   I’ve been the president of the Organization of Bio. Grad students for 3 semesters and haven’t managed to organize anything for the club (to be fair – I never wanted to be president in the first place…it just happened). I’m failing as a leader.
• I’ve been sloppy in my research and wish I could start over. 
•   All that stuff I mentioned above…I’ve done a terrible job at being respectfully different in my choices as a “biologist”. Instead I’ve just been mopey and bitter and sarcastic.
• My GPA is not a 4.0. I wanted perfection.
• I always mess up (badly) when I teach stuff.
•    I’ve done a bad job at keeping in touch with Tribe and other people.
• I’ve used my learning disabilities as an excuse for struggling. I know what challenges me and I know how to overcome it—excuse making is not acceptable.
• I haven’t taken advantage of all the opportunities here. I should be exploring Kansas and being thrilled at this new adventure, not moping about the absence of hills.

I am a Broad-Banded Water Snake. I was taken from the wild....
But then Andrew saved me and returned me.
Aren't I a handsome devil? 

There you have it; a long and rambling confession covering my transition from “enthusiastic student” to “I hate everything-student”.  I’ve become incredibly snippy and annoyed and jaded and cynical. I really hate this about myself, actually, so I want to make this summer full of positivity. I want to try to get back up to Enthusiastic-Maya. Emporia has a lot of fantastic things (there are more positives than negatives, actually) and I should concentrate on all of those instead of being bogged down in the few lame things…it’s just…reeeally hard sometimes.

I'm a Dark-sided Salamander for Maya's thesis.
 I will NOT ever be put into a jar. Ever.